2212 (10:12 PM) Central Time, December 31, 2014 New Year's Eve
I can tell you that I've never been happier to see a year come to a close. To say this year was tough would be an under-statement and an insult to truth, my integrity, and to anyone who knows what cancer treatments can feel like. I will not tell you it's been a good year. I will not tell you I feel blessed because of it. However, I will tell you that I'm glad the cycles of treatment are over and that I feel like I've been given a second chance at life. You know the saying, YOLO, You Only Live Once. That's not true. I am on my second life. Life #1 was from birth to 49 1/2, the pre-cancer years. Life #2 is from 50 1/2 (January 2015) to whenever. The gap from 49 1/2 to 50 1/2 is exactly that: a gap. It's like a big black hole that swallowed up everything. There are certain events I remember and certain dates and numbers I'll never forget but my awareness of the passage of time or seasons passing is just a blur. I am glad 2014 is over and I am slowly getting my mind back.
To celebrate the end of 2014, I figured I would be out tonight with lots of people and lots of noise; perhaps at a restaurant or a pub somewhere with the TV on and people talking. I would rebelliously order a Rye & Coke just because I can, and my husband and I would watch the countdown and kiss at the stroke of midnight. Instead, I'm at my computer talking to you. My oldest daughter is out with her friends. My second daughter and a friend are in the TV room playing Just Dance. And my husband is upstairs sleeping. And me? I am right where I should be. There was a time when I would experience a strong sense of the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). Everybody's doing something and I'm not. There's a party going on somewhere and I'm not there. There's a pub full of people and I'm not there. What am I missing? Tonight, I don't feel that. Tonight, there is a calmness in my heart. The fear of missing out is gone. I am not missing out on anything. I have lived. And I will live again.
To celebrate the end of 2014, I figured I would be out tonight with lots of people and lots of noise; perhaps at a restaurant or a pub somewhere with the TV on and people talking. I would rebelliously order a Rye & Coke just because I can, and my husband and I would watch the countdown and kiss at the stroke of midnight. Instead, I'm at my computer talking to you. My oldest daughter is out with her friends. My second daughter and a friend are in the TV room playing Just Dance. And my husband is upstairs sleeping. And me? I am right where I should be. There was a time when I would experience a strong sense of the Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). Everybody's doing something and I'm not. There's a party going on somewhere and I'm not there. There's a pub full of people and I'm not there. What am I missing? Tonight, I don't feel that. Tonight, there is a calmness in my heart. The fear of missing out is gone. I am not missing out on anything. I have lived. And I will live again.
Happy New Year, Everyone.
Dawn
No comments:
Post a Comment