Christmas 2014

Normally, I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. I have nothing against it. I just think the whole thing is over-rated. I liked to wait until the girls were on Christmas break and then I'd start shopping and decorating. However, this year has been anything but normal and, given my post-cancer-treatment status, I am creating a new normal for myself. I am not the same person I used to be. I do not do the things I used to do. I don't think the way I used to think. The good, the bad, and the ugly, it's all different now.

When I found out in January that I had an aggressive form of breast cancer I had months of not knowing what the outcome would be. I do not have the words to describe how I felt when facing my mortality. The dread of leaving my children without a mother or leaving my husband/best friend to grieve was terrifying. Even the moot point of being closed up in a box was extremely unsettling. At the end of February, my first question to the surgeon was, "Is this a death sentence?" He assured me that it was not a death sentence but that the best result would come from an equally aggressive treatment plan. We had no conversations about whether or not I should accept treatment. There were no other options. As a mother, I owed it to my children to do everything I could to keep myself alive as long as possible. So, every horrible, miserable thing that the doctors told me to do, I did.

That process began one year ago (December 2013, with a clinical breast examination). Today it is one week before Christmas Day 2014 and two months since my last radiation treatment. Since mid-November, I have been having a blast getting ready for Christmas. I still get phenomenally sleepy on a regular basis and am not working yet, but I'm cleaning, I'm decorating, I'm baking, I'm shopping, I'm going out to Christmas tea. And the best part is that once or twice a day I stop what I'm doing and give myself a little metaphorical pinch. I get a goofy little grin on my face and think, "Look at that. I'm still here."

It's Christmas and I'm still here.
Merry Christmas, Everyone.